I've spent a lot of time lately being "busy". I rush to work early in the morning, I sit in the same chair, staring at the same computer screen, for 10 and a half hours, I rush home or to whatever meeting or class or activity I have scheduled for the evening, I rush home, fall asleep, to get up and do it all again the next day. In between all of this rushing I try to build my relationship with my wonderful husband. He helps me keep it all together and figure out where it goes. Bless him.
But, for all of this rushing and business, I just don't seem to be getting a whole lot done.
I guess that's why I love my camera. It suits my need to sit and ponder. Collect stuff. In my mind, if I take a picture of something, I can take it home and inspect it more closely, analyze its features, appreciate it-- later. I don't have to take the time now. I will get to it. Later.
I can get through the day as long as I know there will be a time, down the road, where I can sit and be still with my thoughts. I guess that's why companies don't, or didn't used to, mind retirement plans. It keeps people going when they have something to look forward to... down the road.
Taking snapshots of life for an eventual "memory" slide show is risky. So much of what I know now has come from lessons I learned during those quiet and still times of reflection. If I wait until later, I'm afraid I will discover, too late, the wisdom I needed for along the way.
The camera doesn't work for maintaining relationships. Taking pictures of family and friends is great, and those pictures are a good thing to have. But, if those people in the photos aren't around to share and recount memories with me... chances are-- regret will be one of the thoughts I will be sitting still with and pondering.. later.
I'm making an effort to reach out more. To connect with people. To grow and strengthen my relationships. The most important relationship in my life, that between me and my Lord, has become more like someone I cc on a forwarded email than the deeply intimate, spirit to spirit one it should be.
What to do? Well, I'm working on it.
But, for now, I'm still going to take pictures. I'm still going to sit in this chair, eating my microwave meals and scrolling through page after page of inconsequential "snapshots" from other people's lives, hoping that one day... I will be able to enjoy the smell of the flowers and not just admire their pretty picture.